First Dart, Second Dart. A Strategy for Peace of Mind and Happiness

I am very excited to share a powerful strategy that will bring peace and joy to your life. Learning to identify events, emotions and thoughts in your life as ‘first dart’ or ‘second dart’ will become one of the most productive practices you will cultivate for your personal happiness. I have been strategically noticing and categorizing my thoughts since I studied this powerful Buddhist teaching, and it has made a world of difference in my peace of mind. I was amazed to find that most of my unease and stress in life is caused by my own worrisome thoughts reacting to the inevitable pains of life. These thoughts are a reactionary response to upsetting events such as a disappointing text, a difficult phone call, a frightening memory or a suddenly remembered concern. If we can keep our attention on the initial pain or worry (the first dart), we can save ourselves endless stress and dis-ease caused by our reactions, or the second darts.

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” Epictetus

Let me share an example. Suppose my friend casually cancels an elaborate long weekend in a brief text with no explanation. This is the first dart: I am astonished, crestfallen, disappointed, a little miffed – the first pain. Then my mind gets busy with a long chain of reactionary thoughts: Have I offend her? Did I forget something important? What did I do wrong? Why does this always happen to me? What am I supposed to do now? Will we get our money back? Arrgh. Why did I even think this would work? Friends always disappoint me. You can’t rely on anyone. Why is life so hard? … And the voice carries on and on. This set of secondary thoughts are the “Second Darts” of this Buddhist teaching. Our reactions, insecurities, judgements, rationalizations, emotions etc. And in those second darts lie most of our pain.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Buddha

Most first dart events are out of our control, such as the death of a loved one, a winter storm that cancels the ski trip or the bad knee that keeps us from running. However, the strange thing is that the ‘first dart’ events don’t even have to be real for you to create even more pain around them. Think back to a time when you heard a terrible prediction in the news that MAY happen; your heart sped up, your thoughts went crazy and within seconds, it caused the world to feel threatening and horrible? First darts can happen when you recall an upsetting event from the past or or when an event is not real such as an imagined fight with someone you care about. A dozen negative thoughts, memories and predictions can still run through your head like an uncontrollable freight train. Even more surprising, a positive event like a promotion can spiral in seconds into an overwhelming cascade of self-defeating anxious thoughts about failure or your fears about doing well. No matter the cause of the first dart, we can control our responses!

“I have lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” Mark Twain

Good news. There is a strategy to curb the numerous responses we have to pain, whether it is physical or psychological. We can tame those cascading thoughts and cultivate a more resourceful reaction to adverse events, emotions and moments. We can create a calmer habit that will naturally lead to increased peace, resilience, and happiness. The tool is a simple, powerful Buddhist metaphor describing painful events in our lives as first or second darts. We can’t generally do much about the first darts, but the second darts are within our control. We can’t stop all pain in life so it would be great to have a strategy to keep the pain to a minimum.

What do you do?

Here are ten different responses you may take to combat the agonizing second darts that can torment you. You don’t have to do them all, and there is no prescribed order. I challenge you to try them all and see which ones work best for you!

Let’s go back to the friend who canceled the weekend with no explanation, and see how you might react using these strategies based on First Dart / Second Darts:

1)    Be aware of the first dart, the first pain. Be completely present: name it, feel it. Don’t try to avoid or rationalize it. You might say out loud “Wow, I am really upset by this sudden cancelation. I feel discouraged, sad and disappointed.”

2)    Take a few deep breaths, calm your mind, meditate. Focus your attention on your feelings and thoughts. Remember that when you are in distress, you are not at your most resourceful, and this is not the best time to solve this situation.

3)    Watch where your thoughts go. Try to think of why your thoughts are going the way they are. Perhaps you rationalize her cancelation so you feel okay about it, or you notice that it’s feeding your insecurity about how you see yourself as a friend. 

4)    Label these thoughts, feelings and reactions as ‘second darts’ and let them go. You are in charge! These reactions are often habits of thought, and usually make things worse. Remember: you are not your thoughts, and all pain will pass.

5)    Know that even being aware of secondary darts is an accomplishment in itself!! Congratulate yourself on noticing that you are on a train of negative thinking that is only making the first dart worse! Awareness is half the battle of stopping negative thinking.

6)    Stop adding thoughts! See that your brain wants to write big stories about the first pain, but you don’t have to let it. Your brain is doing what it is designed to do: focusing on things that threaten your survival in any way. Train your brain to stay present and circle back to the original dart so that this becomes your new habit of thought.

7)    Remember that when you think negative or frightening thoughts, the brain releases adrenalin and other chemicals to prepare you (and your body) to fight or flee – none of these responses feel good. When you don’t feel good, it is easier to think scary thoughts, and this creates a downward cycle that is completely unresourceful. 

8)    Think big picture! Broaden your perspective and see this event from another angle. Perhaps this friend truly does have something difficult going on; you can be a compassionate friend. If you realize that it is rare for this friend cancel, it may feel okay to give them a break. 

9)    Look for a positive outcome. Maybe you have been away for a number of weekends, and this will give you time to see another friend or have a lazy weekend. It may be that you have a big report due, and this will open up the time to get it done. 

10) Know that pain is fleeting and will pass and time will help. We are often convinced that pain won’t go away. It is good to accept that there are unavoidable tough times in this life, and to know they are temporary.

We have a choice to train ourselves to focus on the positive and resourceful, and to not choose to trend into downward, negative spirals of thought. We are hardwired as human beings to be cautious, to spot or anticipate pain and danger, and to focus on threats. This is our ancient survival instinct at work. It is helpful to remember that this system was developed in simpler times when there was not nearly the amount of input we have with emails, texting, social media, and the pressures of our culture.

Today, our brains are on overload much of the time and there is something we could worry about all day long. In a way, we have to kind of outwit our brains! We must consciously and consistently create new neural pathways to stay present and to not be a victim to our thoughts. First Dart / Second Dart is a great strategy to reduce anxious thinking and create more peace and happiness in your days and moments. Have compassion for future you, cultivate this First Dart/Second Dart habit and see how much happier you feel!